Evil Sorority

Dear Journal,

Sorry I have been away for so long the Prez made us stay in our apartment for the last 2 weeks except to go to church and get a few groceries.

You are wondering what kind of crap is that, I thought that you were there to serve a mission. Well yes I am but what is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear Fort Lauderdale, if you said the beautiful ocean I know that you are lying! SPRING BREAK!!!!!

It is spring break and apparently there are certain sororities that require there pledges to get a Mormon Missionary sent home from his mission by taking advantage of him. This must have really happened to a couple of missionaries because the President was really adamint about us staying in and especially staying way clear of the beach areas.

So anyway I will try to get back on track with my entries.

You Decide

Dear Journal,

I'm going to let you decide on this one, because I can't make up my mind whether it is true or not.

Hacks and I were riding our bikes today and ran into some other missionaries. They looked like they were bursting with some kind of news, so we stopped to talk.

One of them told us that they had just found out that we had the authority to marry people if we were asked. I had never heard that before but they made it sound legit.

They then proceeded to tell us how they found out about that right. They had heard that 2 elders and 2 sisters had just been sent home because one of the elders had married one of the sisters and so did the other elder and sister. Each elder had performed the marriage of the other one! Each couple had moved into the apartments that they had been given to live together and they would meet up every morning to go out teaching.

Some members finally got a little suspicious and called the president who had to send each of them home.

So, right now I am confused I'm not sure what to believe and that's why I am leaving it up to you to decide for yourself if this is fact or fiction.

Bamboozled

Dear Journal,

I was bamboozled today, but in a good way I think.

When you are on your Mission you loose all sense of time, dates, etc.

All you really know is how many days you have been out.

That being said I had no idea what the significance of this Sunday was, I only knew I was really excited to go eat over at this great Family's house. They were an older couple but very cool.

We were going to have burgers on the grill.

Well when we got there and they started cooking I was starting to get suspicious to what was going on. Hacks seemed to be settling in and getting really comfortable and I couldn't really figure out why, until the TV flipped on and The Super Bowl Started!

TV.....My Achilles heel! I tried to be good but I couldn't resist and broke down and watched.

I'm soooo going to pay for this one!

The food was good and so was the game, I guess I will have to work extra hard tomorrow to make up for today.

Beware of Members Cooking

Dear Journal,

I almost died today.

From the stories that I have told you about my bike riding and devil dogs you would probably think it was something like that.....But it was from a members cooking that almost go me!

This kind lady invited us over for lunch today.

She told us she had to do lunch because her sister who she lives with doesn't care for Mormon Missionaries, So she wanted to do it while her sister was at work.

Well she cooked up these delicious hamburgers and homemade french fries. It just so happened that I was sitting on the end of the table and had a view into the kitchen. We all sat down to eat and had just gotten started when I looked in the kitchen and there were 6 foot high flames coming off the stove. I calmly said "Uh, your kitchen is on fire". We all jumped up and ran in there. I remembered something from scouts that you should never throw water on a grease fire and you should use baking soda.

So I knew that we needed to smother the fire somehow so we started throwing salt, sugar, baking powder, etc. on it until she finally found the baking soda and we got it out.

During all this commotion she had managed to call 911 emergency so they showed up shortly after we got it out. The only problem was that there was a ton of smoke damage to the kitchen. What started out as doing something nice for the missionaries turned into a nightmare that she would have to explain to her sister when she got home.

Needless to say I don't think she will be feeding any missionaries anytime soon.

I also get to tell everyone that I almost died from a members cooking. What a deal!

The Tunnel of Death!

Dear Journal,

Today Hackamatic introduced me to what we lovingly call the "Tunnel of Death".

It is a Tunnel that goes under the water way so it is quite deep to go down and there is NO bike lane or sidewalk so you have to drive your bike down one of the lanes of traffic.

So the first thing Hacks tells me is that we will wait until there is a big gap in the traffic and then we will go in. He told me once we get going to pedal as fast as I can go since going up the other side is a monster.

He wasn't kidding, I bet we got going about 50 mph going down and by the time we got to the top of the other side we were going 3 mph and my legs were on fire! I have never felt such pain, it was horrible but what a rush and I can't wait to do it again!

Flash Tag?

Dear Journal,

So apparently there is a game that Bikers like to play here in Florida called FLASH TAG.

I wasn't really aware of it until today and when I saw it I nearly fell off my bike!

I guess what they do is they will pick 2 long and busy streets because they always play it in pairs. The guys will drive the motorcycles down the street and the ladies on the back depending on who's turn it is will open up her leather jacket EXPOSING everything to everyone that can see them driving down the road.

Hacks and I were standing at the corner of 2 really busy streets when these to motorcycles pulled up and turned right. The one lady was doing something with her jacket and I didn't really pay that close of attention until both bikes turned in front of us and the other lady freakin whips open her jacket! All I could do is stand there with my jaw on the ground. Hacks and I both looked at each other in awe and then started laughing. We both couldn't believe it.

Florida Bikers, you got to love them!

I Get it now

Dear Journal,

I finally get it now!

It just clicked, Pearl was taking me and Hacks to our favorite Hamburger joint Checkers and something wonderful happened. I could understand her!

I don't know if it was the food or my prayers or what but I just started understanding her.

She is actually a really funny lady and I think this will be the start of a really good friendship.

The really funny thing is that she was having a hard time understanding my thick Utah accent!

Go figure.

Do People from England Speak a foreign language?

Dear Journal,

I met the nicest lady, she is a convert to the church named Pearl. She is from somewhere in England, I met her about 2 weeks ago and I still can't understand a word she is saying!

She is a black lady and for the first couple of days I didn't even know where she was from. I thought maybe Haiti or somewhere like that. There are a lot of Haitians here.

She has some kind of dialect that I can't understand and mixed with her English accent she might as well be speaking Chinese!

I do catch words here and there but most of the time I just smile and nod my head.

I can tell it frustrates her too but what can I do except pray for the gift of tongues.

I hope that it gets easier to understand her, because she is really nice and best of all she feeds us a lot.

Got an Email From Mom today, had to Share!

Dear Journal,

I got an email from Mom today and I just had to share it with you.

It made me Laugh!





I didn't know discussing religion could be so funny.

Rest in peace

Dear Journal,

I have to write about this even though it didn't happen to me.

So Hacks and I were at our Zone Conference with about 30 other missionaries when this elder waved us over on a break. I guess he and Hacks had been comps before. His name was Elder Krandle.

He told us he had to tell us about an experience that he and his comp had the other day. They said that they were tracting through this neighborhood and it was lousy with dogs (Remember they are possessed by the devil). They had been at it for a few hours without any luck. Nobody wanted to let them in and a lot of doors there were big mean dogs guarding the yard and they didn't really dare go up and knock.

Krandle (who had been out about 18 months) told us that a few months ago he had gotten sick of dogs coming after them and not having anything to protect himself with so when he was at the swap meet on a P-day he bought an electric shock taser. He pulled it out and showed us. It was one of those that had the prongs and you could see the electricity arcing from one to the other. "8,000 volts" He said proudly.

Well I guess he and his comp were just about to finish when they knocked on this last door and the lady let them in. Of course she had one of those anoying little ankle biters and the whole time that they were talking it just kept grawling at them. Well there was a point where the lady asked if they wanted a drink and they said yes so she went to get it. While she was gone that little rat started barking and knipping at Krandles pant leg, it finally got a hold of it and started thrashing back and forth. Everytime Krandle would try to brush it off it would bit his hand. He finally had enough and pulled out his zapper and layed a shock on this dogs head. He must have left it there just a little too long because the dog couldn't even move or make a sound it just sat there twitching! He pulled it off to see the dog fall in a heap on the floor! He didn't know what to do, he freaking killed the dog and the lady was coming back. He hurried and kicked it behind the couch just as the lady brought in the drinks.

They hurried and finished their drinks and the discussion and got out of there.

I couldn't believe that he did that and didn't even tell the lady. But I guess it would be pretty hard to say "Have you enjoyed this message that we have presented to you? And Oh by the way I killed your dog!"

After letting all of that sink in, he finally told us that they had gone back a day or two later to appologize to the lady and saw the dog in the yard playing. Once it saw him it put it's tale between it's legs and made a beeline to the backyard.

I guess he had just stunned it. Hesaid that he would just stick to larger dogs from now on!

Basketball and Teaching?

Dear Journal,

Well our President told us to always look for new ways to teach people and get people interested in the church.

So on our way home to go to lunch we were passing by a playground and there were a bunch of guys playing basket ball there. We stopped our bikes and stood there watching them for a minute.

One of them yelled over to us an asked if we wanted to play. To my surprise Hacks said "Yes". I was really glad he did as it looked really fun.

We got put on different teams and started playing. These guys weren't like the elders we played last P_day, they were really good. They were dunking and doing all sorts of fancy dribbling. I think they were showing off a little. Anyway they were good.

We probably played for about 45 minutes in our shirts, ties, slacks, and church shoes. I don't know if you have ever played B-ball in church shoes but after about 20 minutes you are starting to form blisters and lets just say after 45 minutes they are the size of pancakes!

They guys we played against weren't wearing shirts and for good reason. Playing B-ball in the 90+ degree weather with 90+ humidity wipes you out.

After thanking the guys and heading back to our apartment for a shower and food we looked down at our shirts, they were almost black! When we guarded our players they were so sweating and dirty that it rubbed off on our shirts!

I wonder if those guys will ever be somewhere and have other missionaries approach them and remember back to us play ball with them and think "those other guys were pretty cool, I think I'll listen to what these guys have to say?".

You just never know.

Real World

Dear Journal,

So I was really excited today because it was P-Day (Prep Day). We did our laundry, which Hacks showed me a cool time saving trick of just throwing all your cloths in all at once.

My shirts have a hint of pink to them but hey, I was done in half the time.

We had to hurry so we could get our shopping done before 1:00pm because that's when the big Basketball game was going down.

And Speaking of shopping, I told you that I had a Capn' Crunch Addiction from the MTC, well nobody told me that it is so freaking expensive when you have to buy it yourself! It was like $4.00 a box! Who the heck can afford all that.

I think this was a wake up call....."Hello and Welcome to the REAL WORLD!"

I wondered why Hackamatic was laughing at me when I was buying my pop and cereal, now I know.

Oh well, it'll all work out. Plus we stomped the other elders in the basketball game so it was a good day!

I think next time we are going to the swap meet to check it out, I hear they have knives and throwing stars there.

Mormon Missionaries Drinking Beer

Dear Journal,

Now before you go judging me for what happened today you will need to read this entry all the way through.

So Elder Hacks and I were knocking doors today trying to find someone to teach. I thought it was kind of strange that he wanted to be in this apartment complex around a certain time but shrugged it off thinking he must be inspired or something.

About the 3rd door we knocked on a long haired hippie looking dude answered, we told him who we were and asked if we could come in and share a message. He said "Sure" so we went in a sat down. It just so happened to be my turn to lead the discussion so I started teaching him.

It seemed like things were going pretty good when he interupted me and said "Dude's I'm dying of thurst, I'm going to get a beer do either of you want one?" I declined but about fell off my seat when Hacks said "Yah I'll take one? As the guy went into the kitchen I looked at Hacks with must have been the strangest look he had ever seen. He said "Things are going good with this guy and I don't want to ruin it by turning him down, don't worry I'm not planning on drinking it"

I breathed a sigh of relief as Brett (The Dude who let us in) brought out a couple of bottles of Bud and handed my companion one. Then Brett clanked his bottle on Hack's and said "Drink up". Again I about passed out when my comp started chugging the beer!

Apperently in certain situations it must be OK for Mormon Missionaries to Drink Beer.

Once they both got done drinking their beers They looked at me and both started laughing. Now I know that I must have looked dumbfounded because they just continued to laugh. Then things got even stranger when another missionary walked out from a back bedroom. I was still in shock and couldn't quite figure out what was going on for what seem like an eternity.

It wasn't until Brett pulled his wig off that I realized that I was the butt of their joke! They were the other missionaries in our district and had planned this to break me in a little. They washed out the bottles and put water in them to make it more realistic.

I have to admit It seemed realistic to me!

So everyone can sleep peacefully tonight knowing that Mormon missionaries still don't drink beer!

Dogs are posessed by the DEVIL!!

Dear Journal,

I am beginning to wonder if the Church has opted to save money on name badges by constructing them out of Cat Urine and Meat Droppings!

I never had any problem whatsoever with any Dogs back home, in fact we always had a Dog at our house and I loved them. But the minute that I put on this badge all bets are off with any Dog.

Like today Hacks and I were riding our bikes to an appointment we had and we were busy looking for the address, when this BIG German shepard came running at us at a full sprint! We both saw him coming and started trying to pedal away as fast as we could go.

Now I am still learning all the in's and out's of my new bike and with that being said I was in a Higher gear so that I could get speed when I was already going at a good pace, the problem with that is that you really have a hard time getting going from a slow speed. It felt like there were sand bags tied to both my ankles and before I knew it that dog was right by my back tire!

I finally got away and the Dog went back home. Hacks and I stopped to catch our breath on the next street over. He told me "that was awesome, lets go do it again!" I told him he was nuts but a little part inside of me is an adrenaline junkie so I said "what the heck lets go" We decided that we should arm ourselves and so we each grabbed a stick from the ground and headed back.

I don't think the owners were too impressed when we came down their streets with big sticks in our hands looking for their dog.

I guess that won't be someone that is ready for our message for a little while.

So like I was saying Dogs are possessed by the Devil!

Some Helpful Locals

Dear Journal,

Well Hackamatic and I decided to visit one of the recent converts. I guess Hackamatic baptized him.

It's a pretty interesting story: He is in a gang called the Guardian Angels (I think) Anyway I guess they have reformed from their pasts and are now patrolling the bad areas of town intimidating the local bad guys to not cause any trouble. If they do the Guardians give them a beat down. This guy we went to meet tonight is about 260 lbs of solid muscle, he's a big black guy with dreadlocks and very intimidating. But he had a huge fear of the water so when Hackamatic (Which is only 5'8" 140 lbs) tried to dunk him he went down kicking and flailing in the water. They had to do it 4 times before they were confident that he was fully submerged.

Anyway, I still don't know the area very well and we were in a kind of slummy area of town knocking on his door when this car full of black guys pulls up. One of them yells out of the window "We'll be back for you white boys later" I didn't really know how to respond so I just said "Thank you"

Nothing like getting threatened in your first week!

We never did get to see the new convert I was really wishing he was home after what those guys said.

Oh well we made it home safe.

How I earned the name Elder Greenie

Dear Journal,

I came extremely close to swearing today and I am probably going to spend some time on my knees tonight.

So here the skinny on what happened today.

I was in the shower getting ready for the day when I hear the door of the bathroom open. I figure that Hackamatic must have needed something and would grab it and go.

Boy was I wrong!

Apparently there is a tradition in the mission field, just a little hazing for the newbies.

Let's just say that before I knew what had happened there was a big green dust cloud surrounding me in the shower. As you know Green Jello and water don't really mix if you are trying to get clean. If you are trying to make Jello it's great.

Well needless to say I look like the freaking Hulk (Minus the muscles)

I am green from the hair on my head to my waist.

I was soooooooo MAD! But then all I could do was laugh right along with Hackamatic......He'll get his before we are done, maybe that isn't the mission way but I can't let this go unpunished.

So the rest of the day I had to go around looking like a big stalk of celery. I could only get most of the green off, but not all. Lucky today was P-Day and not a teaching day.

I really loved walking down the street and people yelling "There goes the Jolley Green Giant" or "I've heard of a green thumb but...." Well you get the picture.

Anyway I can't wait to do this to my trainee when I get one!!!

Missionary Cartel

Dear Journal,

I bet you didn't know that there was a missionary Cartel did you?

I was turned over to my trainer today Elder Hackamatic. Pretty cool guy, he kind of looks like William H Macy, only with glasses!!

So I no sooner brought my suitcases into my new apartment when this elder came walking in the door. He was just like a used car salesman. He was giving me all sorts of compliments and advice like we had known each other for years.

Well before I knew it I was the proud owner of a bike that had probably been passed down through the years by several missionaries, oh well, it will get me where I need to go.

Anyway the missionary cartel scores another victim, now that I have had a chance to think about it I'm fairly certain I got taken and I could have bought a pretty nice bike for what I paid, live and learn.

The Prez

Dear Journal,

I met the Prez today. President Cookiecutter.

He seems like a cool enough guy, very mellow and thoughtful.

We had so great viddles, his wife is an awesome cook. But I guess this is the first real meal that I have had since the MTC so just about anything would be great.

I get to stay here at his house for tonight and then tomorrow I meet my comp. they haven't told us anything about where were are heading or who will be training us but I'm sure that it'll all be good.

Till tomorrow!

Highest Point in Florida

Dear Journal,

Well I arrived safe and sound, although that Fat guy I was sitting next to kept ripping stinkies all the way here. I think that everyone around us thought it was me. I kept getting dirty looks from people.

You know in my 19 years on this big bouncing ball I have seen some really cheesy stuff but the AP's (Assistants to the President) that picked us up from the Airport had cheese running out of every orifice.

I know that they were just trying to help us get used to the idea that we were now missionaries here but man they were really laying it on.

At one point when we were going over an overpass one of them said "We are now at the highest point in Florida" I wonder how many times he's said that before?

Oh well, I'm here and I guess were off to see the Prez now.

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

Dear Journal,

Well I'm Leaving on a jet plane but unlike the song I know when I'll be back again!

2 years from now!!!

They put us in different seats not next to each other, I'm sure that was on purpose so that we could talk to people on the way down. I sure hope I get better at this.

I sat next to a big fat man that didn't want to give me the time of day. He even put his head phones on and pretty much ignored me the whole flight.

My first rejection, Sweet!

More when I get there.